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Join the 300 Swings a Day Kettlebell Challenge and Burn an Extra 947 Calories a Day

Arun Gray

Kettlebells are magical little pieces of equipment. I keep my little kettlebell friend parked by the front door, and each time I bear into him I swing for a set of ten or fifteen. He used to sit in the attic, days on end, but was of little good use there, and amongst the less reputable company left by the previous homeowner - mostly roaches, a ball of tissue paper, and one “Grandma Snuggums” - so I brought him down, and here we are. He is 24kg.


Kettlebell Swings

There is little more that can be done to please the ego than a physique commanding of attention - a body of iron, lean and hard, a very athlete! There is a fetish with muscle striations, to be sure, but understandably so, as what else can be used so effectively for getting us that most enviable of all things - another man’s envy. I do not deny it. I do not say it is wrong. I only offer insights on how to acquire it - in a sane, reasonable, and minimalist manner - like by doing 300 swings a day.

But people say, “300 swings a day! Golly, good gracious, gee whiz, that’s way too much!” Yes, I don’t deny it, and certainly, for an invalid, it is. But I am not in the business of servicing invalids, and work mainly with persons removed from decrepitude. I thought by venturing the reasonable number of 300 swings a day this would have been very plain.

But all of this is scarcely relevant. I would not advise this protocol for those on the final chapter of animated life, less I sought to hurry them along. I ventured it for people healthy, robust, and to use a term surging in popularity, “anti-fragile.” As well, if you cannot work up to 300 swings a day in a safe, sane, and reasonable manner, and without causing yourself harm, then I bring into question your efficiency as a life form to begin with, and hold some doubt as to the strength of your link in the evolutionary chain. In other words, if you think 300 swings will cause you to perish, perhaps it is better if you do.

I joke, but only somewhat. Be reasonable, of course, and work your volume up judiciously. Challenge yourself, but remain successful - that is what I want you to do.


Kettlebell on the floor

The Benefits of 300 Swings a Day

The benefits, it must be obvious, are many in number. From a movement perspective you will develop the hinge, an essential, but often-neglected pattern, and, in turn, learn to use your hips to produce and reduce force, a necessary, but often-neglected skill. The swing also strengthens your back, lubricates your joints, and boosts your explosiveness, to name a few other benefits of everyday interest.

In addition, the fat stores on your belly, butt, and other such areas where they are most unbecoming will begin to disperse, little by little, day by day, and sure enough. (As to the importance of proper nutrition for success on this protocol? Well, this is so obvious it shouldn’t require any mention at all, really. Just eat clean for thirty days, whatever that means to you.)

You will also notice, around the second week or so, your kettle booty beginning to blossom. This covetous fruit sprouts only in regions where it showers swings in plenty enough volume. Under such fertile conditions the ass inflates with the ego, bubbles outward, beefs up, and bloats; its curvature is lifted, highlighted, and exaggerated. One quickly becomes a walking, bouncing spectacle, and cannot help but relish in all the freshly fetched attention, and make every conceivable effort to put on a show, that is, by dropping your purse and using the misfortune to bend over and knock the car door shut. This is wholly devoid of graces, of course, but effective.


Points of Contention

There were two points of contention when I first ventured the idea, and we have already dealt swiftly with the first one - of those people who thought maybe 300 swings a day might be a little too much. 300 swings is too much?! These people, you must understand, give them a pilsner and they’ll call it too bitter!

The second area of contention is found amongst those who say 300 swings a day might be a little too little. Critics, as we know, are never consistent - they commit errors in all directions. To quote a Facebook detractor: “Short term gains would be awesome but after the motor engram is established?” Oh well yes, of course, the motor engram, hadn’t occurred to me! I concede in indignity, and return the flabby idea to the mush of my intellectually limp and flaccid brain. (But you know what, really, this motor engram dude, well he just needs to relax.)

Truth is, if you add 300 swings a day, you’re going to get a little leaner, you’re going to move (probably a lot) better, and you’re going to develop some power and a more delicious derriere. Maybe not indefinitely, no, how could you - but at least for thirty days you will, and for probably quite some time after that.

So I invite you come and take the challenge with thousands others and me. Be safe, and work at your own pace. Build up the volume gradually - men with a 24kg, women with a 16kg. The steps to do so are simple enough, and all are welcome to join.

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